House Arrest

My derivative attempt at sarcasm April 17, 2011

To the tall, avuncular gentleman in the business shirt and tie who tried to publicly shame me in front of Toscani’s last week and who sadly failed to do so:

I have a new bike!

I knew you’d be thrilled for me. It’s a 21 speed Trek 7.2 FX. The frame is a shiny black, and I splurged on a hi-tech, padded seat to prevent (ahem) numbness. I am so excited! Thank you for asking.

It really wasn’t in our family budget. But as Thomas Carlyle said, “A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.” The good reasons are plentiful, let me tell you. Summit City Bicycles was having a sale, and it was a lot less than the recumbent tadpole trike I had been wanting for years. My doctor advised me to get more exercise. Biking doesn’t burn $4/gal gasoline or pollute the atmosphere or emit green house gases. And bicyclists are just nicer people than drivers, even when it is the same person at different times of day. They smile more. They wave at you with all five fingers. They don’t throw garbage or cigarette ashes out the window. They don’t have (or need) their own government registry of mortality statistics.

Did I say “they?” Ha! Ha ha! I meant “We” of course. And if we have a fault, our one folly is that we bicyclists have an inflated sense of our own virtue as citizens, sometimes obnoxiously so, but with eminently solid reasons. That’s actually my real reason, as opposed to my good reason. I wanted to enjoy some of that smug, self-righteousness.

I’m sure you can appreciate that. When you and I almost met, you expressed a similar enthusiasm and self-righteousness for, well, sidewalks of all things (it takes all kinds to make a world). Sadly, I must say “almost” met, wouldn’t you agree? We did not actually meet, did we? No formal introductions or pleasantries. I was riding my bicycle on the sidewalk, very carefully and slowly, stopping occasionally for every blind alley and pedestrian, including a young man who reached across the sidewalk to put out his cigarette. When I came upon you and your friend, you made room, somewhat grandly, for me to pass, which I appreciated. It was not until I was a good 20 feet past you that I realized your voice had grown remarkably louder and more strident.

And what did you say? Forgive me if I don’t get the words exactly correct – I only caught part of it – but they were something in the nature of, “… just great! Riding on a sidewalk full of people. Did you know there was a bike lane Right Over There? Why don’t …”

In retrospect, it was rather inconsiderate of me not to stop and chat. Though in fairness you must also admit that your size and confrontational tone were a bit daunting. I haven’t heard that tone of voice since I was a teenager, and I did not find it any more respectful than the last time. Now that I think about it, I’m even not 100% sure you were talking to me, though I am pretty sure you intended me to hear you.

And yes, you were absolutely right. There was a bike lane on the street not fifteen feet away across two lanes of busy, one-way traffic. Of course, it was a one-way bike lane, going the opposite direction I was heading. But a bike lane none-the-less.

The funny thing is, when I bought my bicycle, I made a point of reading a pamphlet, courtesy of Summit City Bicycles, that enumerated some of the laws of biking in Fort Wayne. I had wanted to be prepared and to be a model to my young children. This pamphlet said it was legal to ride a bicycle on the sidewalks of Fort Wayne, so I didn’t think twice about it. But the tone in your voice suggested I should not be so gullible as to rely on mere pamphlets.

And sure enough, you were right. (I knew you’d be pleased). There is an exception. Fort Wayne Code 74.38 (A) states quite clearly that “No person shall ride a bicycle upon a sidewalk WITHIN A BUSINESS DISTRICT (emphasis mine).” And I was definitely in a business district, two blocks from my destination, the downtown public library.

Oh, the shame. How shall I look my children in the eye when they say, “Dad, why didn’t you check out http://www.cityoffortwayne.org/images/stories/community_development/docs/bike_laws.pdf and read down to the last page where Fort Wayne Code 74.38 (A) is displayed in all its commanding clarity?”

You will be pleased to know that, on my way home, I made sure to ride in that very same bike lane that you pointed out. Though I did have to stop and wait patiently for a pedestrian blocking the route in the middle of the street. It was a meter lady ticketing cars. I’m sure the law allows her in the bike lane too. The more the merrier.

I hope some day you’ll join us there on your own bicycle. You’d be surprised how much nicer a person it might make you.